Well, I’ve made a decision… I’m going to take a sabbatical from blogging for a while and keep my thoughts in a private journal. The idea behind starting my blog was to allow those I love who are far away to have little glimpses into my daily life here in Colorado… to know that I was ok, and working on rebuilding my life and my identity.
Maybe it wasn’t such a well-thought out idea on my part.
I am going through many changes in my life at the moment and I am learning many important lessons along the way.
One is how easy it is to judge others. For years I have looked at other people’s struggles in life and I have been quick to say things like, “How could they?” or “Why would you do that?” or “That is so un-Christlike…” I could go on with these judgments but you get the idea. Being raised in the church has given me an important foundation in morals and belief in things that are good. However, probably for the first time ever in my life I have experienced directly the effects that sin can have in our lives. The sins of others and the sins of myself. Having these experiences has taught me many things, among which has been what Jesus truly meant when he talked about judging others. “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye…”
It is so easy to look at someone’s situation and think you have the whole picture and judge from there what you believe they should do, but the fact is; only that person knows the whole story and only God can see what is truly in their heart. No one and I mean NO ONE knows the battles that rage within us other than God. I can say I may have experienced something similar or I know what they are going through, but that is a falsehood and a lie. I believe now that the best thing we can do for our friends and loved ones is pray for them and love them. Support them, lift them up, and encourage them.
I may not always agree with the ideas or decisions of those around me, but I’m not required to agree with others, I’m required to love them…
So this is lesson number one:
1. Love others. Don’t judge lest you be judged. Only God knows and understands our hearts and it is not my place to think I can do what only God can – see the hearts of others.
Another thing I have been learning is authenticity. How many people do I know who are truly authentic? Can I be upset with them if it seems they are not? No, because the truth is, I have not been authentic. I have put on a smile and done my best do what is expected of every young Christian woman. My heart has been in some of it, but not much of it. I have been living my life to fulfill the expectations of others rather than for myself. In the end, the only person who can answer to God is me. The testimonies and accounts of people in my life are not going to add up to a hill of beans – only I can answer for who I was, what I did, and how I lived. Do I want to be old and on my death bed saying, “I sure am glad I lived to please others.” Or, do I want to say, “I lived a good, full, and happy life and I’m ready to go home and answer for all of it.”
So in these last few months, I’ve been weeding out the things inside of me: What has been real? What has been a façade? I’m purging the things that are fake – and I’m allowing the true personality and passions of me to blossom.
I’ve met a lot of new people over the last few months and I’m recognizing sooner and easier who is authentic and who is not. If I want to be authentic, I surround myself with authenticity. I enjoy the company of those who I know are not only being themselves around me, but love me for who I am. I’m goofy, silly, passionate, and a little rebellious at times, but I love the Lord and I’m living the life I've been given.
Lesson number two:
2. Be Authentic. There is no good reason not to be. If others don’t accept or love you for who you are, then they are not relationships worth fostering. Focus on those who accept you and love you for YOU, not who they want you to be.
People like control. I have loved the notion of control over my own life. Sure, the ever-popular petition of Christians everywhere is, “Take my life Lord; I know that only You know what is best in my life and so I give it over to you.”
How many Christians actually do this? I would venture to say probably less than 1%. They are easy words to say, but actually living them is one of the most difficult things to do in life. I always pictured this prayer in the grand scheme of things… jobs, life partners, friends, deciding on a home church… but it seems to me if you’re praying to give up control and take life as it is handed to you, then that is what should be done. I’m learning to stop worrying about a job, where I’ll be in 10 years from now, who I’m going to be with, and I’m starting to just take life one day at a time. Not one of us is promised even tomorrow. I could be hit by a bus crossing the street this afternoon. Now, I’m not saying we should be irresponsible, but what I am saying is that I shouldn’t take anything for granted and I shouldn’t dwell on the things that bring me down.
You never know what effects your decision about something thrown your way will have on the lives of others. The homeless person I pass on the street may just have needed the friendly “Hello” I offered instead of ignoring his pleas for change as I walked by. The lady in the store who may have lost all hope in humanity may have just needed the little bit of hope I gave when I offered to pay for the few staples she was getting instead of glancing past her and thinking her problems are not my problems. (I mean sure, I don’t exactly have money to be throwing around, but I know when I have enough to bless someone else going through more of a hardship than I am.)
Why do people put so much energy into trying to control what we truly have no control over - all the while missing some of the best things life has to offer. And I’ve noticed too that sometimes we like to think we can control others. We use our words and our actions to make others feel somehow obligated to us or to guilt them into making the decisions that we feel are right. This kind of goes back to the whole judgments thing. I can never assume that I understand how someone feels or what they are going through, and you just have to let people make decisions for themselves, whether you think they are best or not.
Coming to this realization has opened my eyes to how people have controlled me. There is always a high price to pay for freedom. How many people throughout history have fought and died for their right to make their own decisions, have their own beliefs, and live their lives they way that they feel is best? On an individual level, sometimes sacrifices can include having a lack of support from friends and family and in extreme cases, broken relationships…
Lesson number three:
3. Give up control. You have only one life on this earth and only YOU can live it. Take advice from some, ignore it from others, and make your decisions based on your own thoughts, feelings, convictions, and beliefs. Appreciate each day as if it was your last. In the end, only you can answer for you.
Finally, I’ve learned that everyone grieves in their own way. I know that there are several people reading this every day. Some know the entire extent of what I’m going through, others know only bits and pieces. Only I know what is in my heart. I don’t really understand what it is people are expecting of me through this time. But what I know is that for the first time in three years, I’m free. I’m free from pain, from low self-esteem, from rejection, from control, from suppression, from depression. I realize this marks the beginning of the end of what was supposed to be my fairy tale, but unfortunately, I never had that fairy tale. All I can say is that it’s true what they say about sin manifesting itself so much that it can take what was supposed to be a good and wonderful thing and it can destroy it completely. I’m taking the pieces of me that are left and I am rebuilding, rediscovering, and reconnecting with God and with myself. Maybe some think I should be lying on the bedroom floor at night in a flood of tears, or eating a ton of chocolate and watching chick flicks in a state of depression, or feeling sorry for myself and letting everyone around me know it. I went through that stage for long enough… I’ve resolved myself to continue on with life, enjoy the things I love, and build meaningful relationships with both new and old friends. I’ve learned to let go and appreciate the little everyday things that this beautiful life has to offer. Instead of staying in bed with the blinds shut, I go out for the weekend and enjoy the wonders of nature and God’s creation. Instead of sitting on my couch watching “Sleepless in Seattle” for the tenth time with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s I’m hiking the trails in my backyard. Instead of heating up TV dinners and lamenting in making meals for one, I’m trying new recipes and making entire batches of crème brule to enjoy for the week. I’m doing the things I love to do in the fall… things that bring back warm memories and nostalgic feelings.
Lesson number four:
4. Everyone grieves in their own way. If someone in my life is going through a hardship, I know they need love and support and happiness. A smile over something so simple can make the difference in an otherwise impossible day. Optimism is good for everyone.
So with that, I say goodbye for now. I’m sure I’ll be back to blogging soon enough, but right now I will continue on this journey and share milestones with you as I see appropriate. Just know that I’m doing well and I pray often. Love you all.
Meg
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